Letter to Robin
by httphoodmills
Summary: I don't even know why i'm doing this, all i know is that Archie said it will help, can you believe it ? Because i fail to see the point. I'm supposed to move on, let go of you and he asked me to talk to you? It took a lot of me to go see him, but Henry forced me, what wouldn't we do for our children. I've never done anything like that before and i don't plan on doing it again.


**I asked on twitter if anyone wanted to read this and people answered yes so i'll post it. I'm sorry for the pain, i've been meaning to write this for the past 2years now.**

 **.::.**

Dear Robin,

I don't even know why i'm doing this, all i know is that Archie said it will help, can you believe it ? Because i fail to see the point. I'm supposed to move on, let go of you and he asked me to talk to you? It took a lot of me to go see him, but Henry forced me, what wouldn't we do for our children. I've never done anything like that before and i don't plan on doing it again.

To be quite honest, i feel a bit stupid doing this but i've been living in pain for too long now and i can't find it in myself to let go so maybe it's not such a stupid idea after all. Who knows, maybe there's a way you can see what i'm typing? Now i'm truly losing my mind, but just in case… bear with me, will you?

I always thought i was a strong woman. The kind who doesn't cry because she is alone or without her man to support her but the fact is, i am not strong. I am weak because every single night i'm waking up from my beautiful dreams where you're always with me or horrible nightmares and i can't stop the tears from falling. Because i miss you. Everyday i wake up with your name on my lips, the horrible pain in my heart.

It's been almost 2 years now.

2 years since the day you stood up for me in a way no one else ever did. You're an idiot.

Hades was threatening me, he was aiming for me. Who knows, maybe he wouldn't have done it? Or maybe Zelena would have walked in a few seconds sooner, saving my life? Either way, maybe we could have both survived. I should have just snapped out of it and transported us to the manor the second your hand touched your daughter. Do you think we would be happy, i wonder? Of course we would. I would spend my day at work, trying to work through my temper and you would get me lunch because you know me so well and you know that i always forget to stop. I would get back home at night in a house full of laughter and joy, the children running the hug me, you telling me to not lift a finger as you would kiss me hello because you ended work before i did so you had time to get started on dinner.. But there's no one to help me take care of the children anymore. There's no one bringing me lunch to make sure that i take a break. There's no one like you.

Archie said i need to move on, to let you go, but how can i do that? You are, or were i guess, my soulmate.

When Tinkerbell said it to me, i didn't believe it. I had loved Daniel so much already i didn't think it would be possible to open up myself again, to let go of my anger. At that time, it was all i had and all that kept me alive. But i did it, i found you and i understood.

Since you've been gone i feel like a part of me is missing, like i'm only half of myself.

I realise it's not healthy, it's not what is expected of me but i can't just shrug it off, not this time. I've been improving though. I can now talk about you without immediately breaking down, i can smile even though it's not the elusive smile you loved so much. I even got back to work a couple of months ago and let me tell you, walking into that office was pure torture. I was supposed to concentrate on petty complains and angry citizens but all i could think about was the sound your body made when it crashed to the ground. The light of your soul evaporating. Tell me again how strong i am when i didn't even had the courage to go to your grave since your funeral? I just can't. Your body lies there Robin, the same body i held, kissed, cherished, cuddled… and now it's just… in a box. I can't face that yet, i'm not ready and i think i never will be.

Roland left.

I hate myself for that, i wish i could have kept him.

A few days after you sacrificed yourself Henry left for New York, trying to destroy all the magic in the world, thankfully he didn't succeed but i had to follow him i couldn't… i had to follow him. But when i got back, Granny told me with tears in her eyes that they all had left. Merida, your men, Roland… it's probably for the best. I'm not in the right headspace to take care of a boy right now, but i wish… i wish i could've at least say goodbye. I'm sorry i failed you. I promise, as soon as i get better i will go and visit him as soon as i can, i will take care of him just like you would've wanted.

As for your daughter… she's amazing Robin. You would be so proud.

I still have issues to look into her eyes, i meant what i told you in the Underworld, she has the same as yours..

The clear yet sparkly blue i could drown into for hours? Remember that? Well, she has the same eyes, she takes after you you know. Reckless and restless, she likes being outdoors and she loves the park and the forest.

She's starting to speak. Nothing much, she's only 2, but she can say a few words and she can walk. Not very well, mind you, but still. Zelena's been trying, ever since what happened she did her best with the child, maybe she finally understood that being Wicked wasn't the best thing she could do. But she's taken good care of the baby, i've helped, i still don't completely trust her but she's doing her best.

Your daughter's name is Robin.

We thought… we thought it would be a nice way to honor you and your legacy. You will not be forgotten Robin, i promise you that she and Roland will know and love their father. I will bring her to you. When i'm ready and she's old enough, i will take her to your grave so she can talk to you. You would like that, wouldn't you? If i had to imagine a future for Roland, i think he would walk into your shoes. Becoming his own kind of Robin Hood, honoring your legacy.

You changed so many lives Robin, i know… i know we've always sort of been glued together, even when we supposedly hated each other. (Yes supposedly, because during that time even though i kept being mean to you all i wanted to do was to slam you against the nearest wall and kiss you senseless.) But people miss you. Killian for starters, he's been brought back and it's so unfair that he got to come back but you didn't, but he did and i saw him near your grave the other day, trying to hide the tears he had in his eyes, pretending to be there just to pay his respect. Emma also confessed how guilty she feels, how much you inspired her to keep fighting and see the good in people, that's who you were.

I want to hate them, but truth is i don't. I'm angry, yes, mostly at Emma and Zelena because if they didn't dragged us to hell to find my sister's sociopath and ex-boyfriend you would probably still be alive. I am angry also because Killian got his second chance but you didn't. But the anger is falling away.

I can't very blame Emma for not being ready to give up on the love of her life, Zelena for wanting love and Killian for something he had no control over. Still, you inspired them. They cared about you and i know you would be happy and honored to know that.

The persons you also inspired a lot, are your children. Before he left, i got the chance to see Roland. I didn't know he would leave at that time, i just wanted to check up on him after what happened and oddly enough, he was the one comforting me when it should've been the contrary. You told me once that you'd hate for him to lose his father too, i know that wherever you are, your heart breaks for him. He's so strong my love, so strong it's unbelievable for such a small human. Your daughter is too small to realise but she recognizes you. We've been showing her pictures, telling her stories and making sure she knows who her father is and she coos everytime she sees a picture of you. I'm pretty sure she thinks you're a hero, just like i do.

This is probably going to sound narcissist but the person you probably inspired the most was me. Before i met you, i was on the path to redeem myself but you gave me the strength and the courage to go through with it. You taught me how to love again, you taught me that i deserve love and you've helped me heal. I'm so grateful for everything you did for me, i don't think i could've ever thanked you enough.

Now i know that you would want me to love again. I know that i should at least try and see if it is possible at all, you taught me that i had value and that i deserve happiness so i know i should try to be happy again… But that's just the thing, Robin : i don't want to be happy. Not without you. I don't want to move on and forget about the handsome thief who sacrificed his life, his soul, for me. Maybe it's just because i am not ready, i don't know, but to this day i still wear one of your hoodies to sleep. I still have your jacket hanged in my closet. I still listen to the voice message you sent me a couple of days before it happened, i know it by heart now but i can't bring myself to delete it.

You are the love of my life, i know that now.

Obviously i had Daniel and he was, still is, pretty important to me and i loved him but… Our relationship, you, i don't think there is any way i could even describe it. It was truly what a soulmate feels like.

I wish you could be with me. We didn't get enough time, it's just unfair. Thank god i'm typing this on my computer or the paper would be soaked. You always hated when i cry, i know, but it's so cruel.

I wanted, want, you so much. Your everything. You were it for me, the person i could see myself growing old with, the person i wanted to wear the white dress for, the person i wanted to raise children with. And yes, i can't get pregnant but we wouldn't have minded practicing, right? We would've adopted. Our future would have been so bright Robin… now it's all gone. For what? Because we were reckless, scared and hoping for the better.

I was angry at you. Angry because you stood in my way, you left your children, you gave up your soul and you did all of that for me. I didn't deserve it Robin, you have two children. Granted, Robin is going to grow up loved and cared for and she will have Zelena, but Roland he is so young, now he's an orphan. Henry would've been well loved and cared for, i know it, and i know your men will take care of Roland but i guess it was my own guilt speaking, right?

Sometimes, i miss you so much i can barely breathe. It happens at night, most of the times. When i have a nightmare. You used to pull me back against your chest, press a kiss to my temple and let me handle it on my own, all the while protecting me and reassuring me that i was not alone. Now when i get a nightmare, i still turn around, hoping that i find you there, sound asleep next to me. But i never do and the pillow is losing your sent, the spot is cold, freezing.

We needed more time Robin. It was too short, so intense, but too short.

I'd love to imagine you meeting your parents-in-law up there. Somehow drinking beers with my dad, sharing embarrassing stories with him, giving a piece of your mind to my mom… You'd also meet Daniel. I have a feeling you two would get along just fine, he was a great guy. I even wish you would be reunited with Marian. This hurts, because the thought of you being reunited with her and forgetting about me scares me, but i'd want you to be happy. Peaceful. So yes, i wish you could be there now.

But that isn't happening, is it? Because you didn't just died. You got obliterated.

I said everything i wanted to, i guess, this letter is longer than what i intended and probably sappier too..Archie was right, it is comforting to talk to you. If only you could just answer… I might write more to you in the future, just because i'm not ready to let go yet.

The next letters might not be as long but if i ever need to i will write them. I will keep the foolish idea in my head that you can somehow read it as i type, that you know how much i miss you.

I wish i could tell these words to you… i hope that some way, somehow, you will get to read this.

I'm going to end these words with the ones i felt so deeply but was never brave enough to say out loud.

I love you.


End file.
